As Requested.......

As most of you know, I will be joining the Army National Guard. I find People constantly telling me that i'm a "Patriot" and so on. The more i hear this Verbalise i find myself doubting my "patriotism". Now i love my Country, probably more than most. But i find myself being excited not for the idea of serving my country, but for the personal experiences i will receive. My question is, does being selfish and wanting experiences, make me any less Patriotic? Idk all i know is that i am super amped to finally "be all i can be"!

So i am fairly confident that i was brain washed. Now i know what you are saying, Brainwash? really? yes. Brain washed to never trust or

even like another girl. in one of my very old post titled Girl who shall Remain Nameless i talked about a girl who effed with me

. now i really didn't go into to much detail but lets just say, i believe she brainwashed me.....far fetched?" maybe really it's the

only answer i have. it explains why i haven't been in a committed relationship in over 4 years. I struggle to even like a girl.

i mean even if the girl is gorgeous, outgoing, smart. and i know i should be all over this girl, something inside makes me say naw, not really

interested, even though the girl on paper i just what i am looking for. honestly if i havent had met this girl i believe my life would have

been a lot different. Now i know what you are saying, "Paul you shouldn't blame your problems on anyone but yourself" yes i know

that. And i do believe that all the mistakes i have made in my life are from my own choices, although i can't help to think that

your choices are influenced by others, and their actions toward you effect you, and make you do things that you never thought

you would ever do.I ramble aimlessly........ I saw this girl the other night. she still is the most beautiful girl i have ever seen,

i struggle every time i see her, It's not so much that "i'm not over her", i am over her.....when she isn't around. When she steps into the

room nothing else matters. hence why i think i was "brainwashed" or whatever, brainwashed may be a little strong worded, but

it's all the same. Don't you people tell me that i need to go see a therapist. i know i need to see one, believe me. Why does this

happen? why do some people have complete control over another person? It vexes me to no end, maybe one day

i will understand....... but until then i keep my head up and hope for the best!